Tuesday, February 22, 2011
21 on
Its funny, you spend some time chasing something/someone you thought you really want and when you're that damn close to getting it you realise its nothing near what you want. There's a significant level of frustration bubbling below the surface that i'm refusing to show, what it comes out as is irritation towards several people around me. I know what i've done wasn't the nicest thing to do but to be very honest it was the right thing to do and when we're living our separate lives in the future we'd look back and be glad this happened. I guess i'm past justifying what i've done already, there is one reasons out of the many that i did what i did, there's a small part of me that's asking if i did the right thing or not, its a 99% resolve. That one reason makes up most of the 99%. Its getting harder and harder to place this smile here for the sole purpose of having the smile. I wish that they'd understand, i wish it'd all go away because i'm not tired tired, i'm tired of having to pretend that i'm fine, tired of pretending that i don't mind it when i figuratively get slapped in my face, tired of being treated like a welcome mat, tired of being kept in the dark, i'm just tired. I know that by coming back it won't change the circumstances that i'm placed in. I know that it won't magically turn everything into rainbows and sunshine. But i need to feel the rain every once in a while. I think what i need to do is to finish up the CTs asap, do well, ensure my place in school then disappear and recover for a while, i can't keep the smile here all the time, i know its needed but i can't find myself anymore, i lost myself somewhere in all of this.
thought @
10:00 PM;
