Monday, July 12, 2010
Crush(ed)
A friend of mine once told me, thats why its called a crush cause it crushes you and yeah, it really did. Made my day seem totally bleak actually, i had to somethings to make sure i stayed sane but thats something else, but yeah thats what it is supposed to be i guess. As i searched for some solace in the worldly realm i realised i could find none, its even sadder to realise that inside i was really really hurting but i couldn't let that out, i lost that ability. I'm not looking for reasons why it can't work out here and now, our life here is but temporary so maybe this plays out temporary, whether it does or not, it doesn't matter, i'll still love. I have to thank Mum Serene for talking to me, helping me and guiding me in praying, at the risk of sounding very vulnerable, i cried, inside i totally broke down i couldn't stand after that. Its hard to let go, no one ever said it was easy but i guess God knows what's best for us. We may not realize it now, we may even look back and wonder, but God knows best and likewise i want to obey His will. He is God, if it changes then it changes but in His time and He does it for love. I'll have to accept His love and pass it on in another way is all. Whether you read this or not, please know that i still consider you my biggest inspiration, i meant each and every single word i said and nothing will make me take them back, i love you Sis, always will. But like i said in the prayer, "Lord, I commit (you) into your hands, i let (you) go..."
thought @
11:46 PM;
Saturday, July 10, 2010
It's coming
I'm currently suffering from some strained arm thingy which i don't know how i got and my legs are almost non existent and yet at the same time every fiber of me is telling me to push on that there's something more to this. I ain't done yet. Then during prayer meet it was all about family and then it got me thinking about my family, my future family and eventually the one i'm gonna marry, i'm still not sure who it is but i'll need her to walk with me in my walk with God, i've learnt that with God in a relationship there's no way it can just be broken. How can one go wrong with a higher power that is Pure Love? I am imperfect so all that i can give is imperfect love, i can say that i can give you the world but i cannot give you all the love you need because it would still be imperfect. I need a godly woman who can understand that. That being said i have to be a godly man as well and because i know its hard in this world to find that godly woman i pray to be able to find and understand her because its the very least i can do for her, "Iron sharpens iron" right? So its here that i realise what they mean by "unequally yoked". Its also here that i understand what they mean by waiting for the right one to come along instead of rushing along with each and every feeling that i get. So, by putting this down here its quite hard for me actually cause all my life i've been looking for that love, i never did quite find it. I do believe that God has a godly woman out there for me and i may or may not have met her yet but i know she's there. I've always known and i never listened, but i've gotta learn to be submissive to authority right? So here i am, doing just that, i focus on You first Lord, show me the rest in Your own time, Amen.
thought @
1:30 AM;
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Peek into the future
Well having just come back from the very first CMC CG event, i can say i personally think it was a huge success, i kinda spent alot of time walking around the area, Euphony Gardens, reminiscing about the past, the flips into the pool, Aidil's failed senton, soya bean swimming pool, coke swimming pool, the fountain of dirty water which everyone uses to wash stuff anyways and of course the endless slew of pet dogs for the pet deprived people to play with (i was one of them)and so many other memories just flooded me and then when it was all over and the tiredness just kinda took a toll on me and i started to self reflect, i actually went back to the past, something i thought wouldn't be possible with a variation of the past, YMM + CMC friends and though i admit i ended the day worn out and exhausted beyond anything i've felt in my entire life, abdomen still feeling the after effects, i'm smiling, i wouldn't mind doing it another time. As i looked around the function room i saw family, yeah i know i've been saying it for so many times but its just that hard to put into words, think your own family gatherings, thats what i've got 2day. I'm all the more convinced that i'm right where i'm supposed to be.
thought @
11:44 PM;
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The effects of rain on a heart
Returning to God has definitely been one of the most crucial and important moments in my life, not only that, it has been a decision that i had to make so long ago yet chose to ignore. I used to wonder what it meant by eternal happiness much less fathom true happiness. I used to think that happiness and sadness came hand in hand and that you only look at the positive side to feel that happiness. I just came home from playing captain's ball in the rain. For the benefit of those who don't know, i absolutely love the rain, it cleanses the soul, it calms my heart, despite the splashing of water and the thunder and every other noise that comes with it, it quietens down my soul. I played not with friends. I played with family. When i played, i didn't see friends playing in a team, i saw a family working as a unit. Guess what i'm really trying to say is that i saw love. It didn't matter what the score was, it didn't matter if we won or lost, ultimately we all won. Its times like this that i think back and think how lucky i've been to be saved by true love, the one thing that we spend our whole lives searching for or trying to give, but always fall short. We are but human and we are inperfect, how can true love come from something imperfect? We may claim that we love truly without reserve, but really, do we? Even if we do, we have our limits and its there that we fall short. To those who have yet to experience this love, please take my advice and seek the power of love, the power of God. Not for old time's sake but from the very depths of my heart and no matter how imperfect it is, i love you, cause He loved me first.
thought @
11:09 PM;
