Tuesday, April 29, 2008
King of Kings
I remember there used to be a time in my past where i was like that. Not exactly, in the violent sense, but i just did everything i wanted to do it, as and when i liked and not caring about the consequences. 2day i walked down that path once more, i realized while i kinda miss it, i don't like it. Its not me, yet when i try to be me i feel so... constricted, like there's so much more i can't do, like when i wanna do something i'll think it through so many times i just end up not doing it, which is kind of a good thing judging on the thoughts that run rampant in my mind but yea... nothing sadistic or stupid, more of stupid really. Only difference if i do that now is that there isn't any Narin or Sam to be my partners in crime, no Jem to hear me out when i'm down and out, no James to just accompany us just cause we're all bored. I lost all of that. With the exception of Jem, i don't even know where the hell the rest are. I'ma be straight and say these guys are the guys that made me who i am 2day, i've really been through alot with them and i know for a fact that they'd take a bullet for me if it ever came down to that and vice versa. While i was into that "phase" they didn't tell me to stop, they supported me cause they knew i needed it, it allowed me to grow and find my voice, make my stand, pushed my limits and made me realise my worth. What i could let slide and what i couldn't. Through it all they helped me out and when that was over, they left. Whether that part of me will ever come back i won't know, i don't even know if MI would like it, but which part of me would care?
P.S. To the original B.O.D, i miss you guys to high heaven and low hell. Though what we did was VERY stupid and dumb, they were FUN stupid and dumb stuff. After all we've been through, all the trouble we got into, if i had the chance to do it again, hands down, straight up you know i would. Till the nxt time holmes.
thought @
10:46 PM;
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tired
Tired. The one excuse for everything. Well yea I am tired, but thats just the beginning i guess, its like one of those things when you can't describe what u're going through and all you get in the end is utter confusion and a wonderful headache. So i guess that pretty much explains the random periods of stoning for me. Half the time i'm thinking the other half i just space out, and to think i was tellin ppl nt to stone, oh well. Maybe its just a phase? I hope so, i hate this feeling, its like you think the rope is there to pull you back up into the boat but when you feel tired and are gonna sink instinct tells you to grab the rope. And you do just that, but thats when you realise that the rope wasn't even connected to the boat, it wasn't connected anywhere. Thats when you slowly start to sink, you struggle and you stay afloat a lil longer but eventually you know u're gonna sink. Only difference is that i refuse to sink and i refuse to look for a rope, its pointless. I'll swim there on my own. Thanks Guys...
thought @
8:19 PM;
Monday, April 21, 2008
Monday Blues?
Long story short, i feel really crappy now. I've been having headaches since morning and i've no idea why the hell am i still here. There's math 2mw and i think i'll be gettin my test paper back. So yea... someone mentioned to me today, "How come u only talk to Derek? Why never talk to the rest of the class?" I feel so bloody alone now... i thought i was never gonna feel this way. Ah well... its probably the headache, hope to be better by 2mw. Twinkle is pregnant btw =) Socks is a Dad and Twinkle is a Mum =) she's being treated as though she's royalty right abt now. The kitten's due in abt 2 weeks, can't wait. Already gave it a name, yes it, i dunno if its a male or female but i settled on Sparkle. So lets all wait for lil Sparkle to come along. =)
thought @
6:48 PM;
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I Promise (version 2)
Promises don't always hold
I know sometimes with time people turn cold
In the present there's always no time
Love has been pushed to the back of their minds
I am not one of them
I will always be there to hold you hand
No matter what it is, i'll see you through
Leaving you is something i'd never do
In the coldest of the nights
I'll be there to hold you tight
Making sure you stay warm
Together we'd make it out the storm
And i promise that throughout these years
I'll be right by your side and fight your fears
Whatever problems you have i'll share
No matter what it is i'll always care
When your tears start to flow
And there's no one to hold
I'll be there to wipe every tear
And to remind you that i'll always be here
All this i promise from the bottom of my heart
Sounds crazy, but i loved you from the very start
I swear your heart i'll never break
Your love for granted, i'd never take.
thought @
2:55 AM;
Suppossedly suppossed to
Considering the fact that i'm always online, i dunno why i've never come to update my blog. In fact i tink its past expired and waaaaaaaaay dead. So let me revive it. So lets see... there was Dragonboating today, plus i mixed up tuition time. So yea that was irritating, walked around half-asleep the rest of the day cause i was really tired. After realizing the timing was wrong i went home and found that i couldn't sleep so that pretty much sucked. So anyways after rowing practice we headed to Parkway Parade for lunch, that was around 4 sumtink i tink. Then headed over to town, which is kinda weird cause i almost didn't go. Anyways, i was glad i did cause i saw an Angel. grins. which kinda woke me up already, the coffee i was drinking didn't do much, it was just super bitter. So after that i headed back to Khatib mac to realize my students weren't there yet, so i called them and they said they were on the way. Killed time talkin to our dear Yong Shen, who told me lotsa stuff abt MI so yea, it pretty much confirmed what i suspect abt it but i guess that's kinda the way it is. My students arrived 30 mins later so i went to meet them there and he went home, to summarise, i gave them tutition, homework and went home and am now here sitting in front of the com updating my blog. =)
p.s: the Angel looked ABSOULTELY STUNNING. not kidding i swear.
thought @
12:33 AM;
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Don't know anymore
I've been wondering how come i can still smile when i'm feeling so much inside? All the angst and feeling of nothingness just stays there. i smile when i see you at for that one second i catch your face i can put all the truth in the world to telling you that would be a real smile. its Wednesday 2mw, CCA day. Rugby day. To think there isn't gonna be rugby training for me for some time is just something i don't wanna think abt. This time its nothing i can do. I've got to do this and as much as i don't wanna do this alone, I might have to. Since the start of the holidays, i missed rugby. i didn't play for like 4 months and when i got back to the playing field i was really happy. I wanted to play for the 'A' divs but i didn't count on my knee giving out and everything else that followed. I know some of the team or maybe even the entire team thinks i'm backing out, that i'm soft or whatever. Try conditioning yourself so hard that you eventually give out. OUT yes, not up. I never did want to end up like this and now that its been like this its just hard to accept. And i don't know if i should go up to the team and issue a team apology cause they might not want to listen since i "gave them crap" but yea... I really just don't know anymore...
thought @
10:09 PM;
Monday, April 7, 2008
Its come down to this?? lol...
I realized its pretty weird, cause i'm online all the time but i hardly, rarely ever come to update. Basically the past week has been really depressing, 1 week no PE. While the rest of my homies are shouting and screaming, "GOOD WHAT?!?!?!" I'm actually not feeling the same way, don't get me wrong, i don't enjoy PE, but its different when u see the rest of them running and all u ever do is just sit there and stare. Worst part? No rugby. Gets a lil downhill for me here. Based on past injuries and everything, i've decided to stop rugby... for an indefinite amount of time. I'm gonna get screwed by the rest of the team cause i'm continuing frisbee and dragonboating. Only reason why i can't continue rugby is cause of the risk of another tackle to my knee and then its all gone. So... yea its not like i'm not coming back i know. Its just really hard to say goodbye to the field even b4 i had to chance to perform on it. Its just... depressing you know? Health is more important, i dunno, in any case i already told coach i ain't coming for training for a while, he was cool abt it and understood so he told me to rest up and chill a while before hitting the gym again for self rehab and training regimes. All i can say is that its gonna be a looooooooooooooooooooong way back...
thought @
11:14 PM;
